I Wonder Series; Worrying about my Physical.

So today April 30, 2019.
I started to wonder why I feel this way about completely shaving my face.
I felt a bit nervous and self-conscious as I was staring at my new freshly shaven face in the mirror.

As I was wondering about the source of my insecurities, I started thinking about when I was little. When I was little I had self-hatred thoughts patterns that reinforce low self-esteem. But I wonder why do I have these negative mental patterns?
Emotionally intense Childhood conditioning is a big part of it. Conditioning that taught me to mentally beat myself up when I perceived I did something wrong. Taught me that I will never do anything that’s good enough. Taught me to mentally criticize my physical features. I am nothing & should mentally treat myself as such.
Also, In hindsight because of this mental pattern, I attracted outside situations that reenforce the credibility of those MTPs. For instance, I was shy as a kid because I was scared of others not accepting or judging me. This probably came across as being “struck up” to others. As a result, I got bullied & made a handful of friends in elementary school. At the same time, I deeply wanted to be accepted but didn’t know that I had to love & accept myself first.
So therefore, I started looking for outside inspiration from others who looked happy. I felt if I was able to copy on myself I would feel happy about myself.
In this situation this feature I sought to copy was facial hair. I can remember a quarter century ago😳, looking in the mirror & shaving from lip to nose direction to promote mustache growth. 😂 .
One emotional childhood memory was at school, one day in elementary school, someone called me “apple-head” in a crowd of our amused peers who roarly filled the cafeteria with energetic laughter. Or at least it felt like it.
Also, when I came home & as any boy would, (I imagine). I  ran to my mother’s arms in vain hopes of nurturing in my time of devastating inner sorrow that felt like time was slowed to a suffering. Instead, she looked straight in my watery shiny eyes & laughed. She then exclaimed with a huge evilest grin, “that’s a good one! Apple head! You do have a apple head!” I first froze then ran to my room to buried my face in my 2-dimensional firm pillow.
And then there after I would continually mentally beat myself and I hate my round face.
So there’s some interesting back story.  Back to the presence moment aka the beginning of this story. So I was looking at my face I felt the similar depth of anxious feeling. I look at the curvature of my human face and then I moved closer to the mirror to stare “thru” my eyes.  Then I slowly withdrew from the mirror to see my beautiful nose that is almost identical to my mothers. I then mentally passionately recited;  I am beautiful and it’s OK to have a round face. That’s OK you are Miguel you are love. OK to be shaving. I want to. fuck fucking right it’s OK to. if I wanna shave my face shave my fucking face and be comfortable with it. because my facial hair is not a reflection of who I am. I am fluid human feature of the universe that is ever-changing. Remember to reread the above when I am feeling self-conscious about a physical feature.
With love Miguel.

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