Hello again my tall adult daughter! Hope all is well.❤️ I am writing to you about our first St. Louis trip for a special & painful reason.
It’s mid-March & mom gets a call from her brother in St. Louis. She hesitate to answer but does only to hear the most Heart-wretching news.
Her mom has terminal cancer.
At first Mom was angry. Then the next day she showed a different side, waterfalls of sadness pouring down her puff cheeks. I knew I had to take action….
i decided to call in to work & plan a road trip to St. Louis so mom can see her mom. It was gonna be a long 14 hour drive Vacia! It took 2 days to get there. We stayed one night at a motel 8 in Oklahoma.
we got to St. Louis 8 hours later & checked Into the hotel. Then headed to the hospital where grandma was. It was a nervous time headed to the hospital. I was a bit nervous about a couple things.
I was also apprehensive about what judgement I may be facing from the extended family who we haven’t seen in at least 20 years. This was In part due to mom telling us that we were the black sleep of the family & everyone look down on us. My anxiety started to reach red alert as I got closer to grandma’s hospital room….
as I opened the door I first saw startled faces then those same faces changed to welcoming smiles. I knew then I was ok. They then welcomed us with loving hugs that equaled the level love expression of one who found a long lost love One. Even grandma gave Vacia & I the most beautiful smile she could give us in her fragile condition. But still a small part of me of worried about mom & if she would get tiggered & “go off.”
like I was saying Vacia, I was a little nervous about mom, but as the time went by I could see that she was totally focus on spending time with & loving grandma. Mother was conversing with grandma in the most gentlest voice. I only heard that tone of voice before when one of us were in a unexpected bad life event. She hugged grandma, kissed grandma, & carried love in her eyes.
I was also nourish with love from seeing everyone warming welcoming your loving embraces & smiling at your with admiration throughout our trip.
Vacia, you was the apple of everyone’s eye! (I hope that phase is still understandable in your time!) I am grateful we got to meet our extended family. I am also deeply hurt that it had to be under such painful circumstances. After all that worry though, everything worked out better then I ever hope for. We even read her thank you letters before we left back home.
This is what got ensteeled in me. First, fuck worry! Instead of worrying about how family will judge me, instead be excited about getting to know family you never met. Focus on details in the presence when I start to worry or feel inferior. I.e. instead of worrying about mom going off look at how loving she is being with her mom. Lastly, I am still Miguel regardless of what I material things or how much money I have. I am love!
In addition I got to talk with my uncles who gave me mind shattering insights & inspiration. I’ll tell you about it in later letter. Love you always Vacia!
PS I also linked a video summary of our fun times there. I really like the “don’t smile first game” clip! 👇🏽Check it out Vacia!