Vacia & I went to the local library for the first time in years. It was such a peaceful beautiful place! It had such a beautiful mural in the kids book section.
As I roamed around, I was reminded of the many times I used to visit the library as a kid after school.
This is the self awareness of me, Jennavacia. I know it might sound grim. This is why I pray you do not read this until you are of mature emotional intelligence & empathy.
The library was kinda like it was my place of peace before going to a busy family home of 10. Once I got home I had to mature into the third caretaker & be the scapegoat for wrong my siblings did. I know parents meant well. Maybe they thought thru physical punishment & emotionally intense scolding I will learn to be a better caregiver. However, I think the messsge I got was I ain’t shit.
Wow, reading that last sentence, created a wave of chilling wave of heaviness thru out my body & water wanting to leak my glassy eyes but being held back my pride, ego, the interior mental condition of “if I cry I am not a man, I ain’t shit!”
This being reinforce by the added time of physical punishment until my eyes dried up as if they never just expressed the inner beating of my self-esteem & until my face turned off its physical demonstrations of painful sorrow for letting you down & being your son. I know y’all did your best & if you knew better you would have done so. I know you love me. If dad didn’t love me he wouldn’t have jumped in the lake Pontchartrain to save my 8 year old self. I had got caught by & brought underwater by one of the vicious underwater currents. I woke up on the grass coughing up water with my dad kneeing by my side. If my mom didn’t love me she wouldn’t fight to get me back for 6 years. She wouldn’t have worried about & made a way to make it to the bondsman to figure out how to get me out of jail for not the first time. If my dad didn’t want me, he wouldn’t paid off a local gang leader who stated he would kill me if I didn’t return his gun. He left the gun hidden in the by our backyard while we walked to the store back in high school. If my mom didn’t love me, she wouldn’t have been there to support me during one of my most emotionally dark times after your mom & I separated while you were 3 months old. I will share more details on our breakup in a later letter.
One last thing Vacia, I know I will be faced with resistance while practicing self-awareness & sometimes i will slip & react to outside situations. I will enknowledge those occurrences immediately & become curious about its inner source aka insecurity. Thank you being my little cheerleader, Your smiles, your enthusiasm, energetic heart of outflowing love.