She may never know until at least she is a mature adult, the countless times I was truly hurting but I put my “happy dad-face” for different reasons.
I do this to give her the best emotional bliss that can only be out done by her seeing Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony jumping out the TV & saying hi to her. Sometimes I wear the happy daddy-face to hide the fact I am feeling like an inadequate parent or person. Other times I wear the happy daddy-face to hide the work stress from putting out flash fires & wondering if I got them all.
My happy-dad-face almost falls off & my inner little hurt boy wants to show himself & cry on my tough days when she approaches me with her wide happy eyes, her arms wide open with excited moving fingers then rushes me like a miniature NFL linebacker & embraces me while telling me “daddy I love you so much!” But I knew my pain can never be & will not be your pain. I know I must raise my hand to my face & reposition my “happy dad-face”. I know I must strong because I want to be a positive parent the little time we get together after work.
She came in my life during a bad time & was my water of love while I was about to walk a dry desert of loneliness; a path I decided to walk. The truth is one of the biggest reasons I am learning to learn myself unconditionally like my daughter loves me is because of the emotional drive & lessons from my daddy experiences. This also causes my need to wear my happy daddy face less & less. Her truly unconditional love empowers me to heal my inner hurt little boy & push past my comfort zone. I am learning to love myself fully without strings attached. I am actively working to change my outdated mental thought habits so I am able to maintain more consistent positive thought patterns. In consequence, I am becoming more comfortable with expressing my true self around others.
In closing, I have come to the conclusion that its time to put my happy-daddy face away & take control of my chaotic eruption of negative thoughts & it’s tsunami of emotions by focusing on gratitude, self-kindness, self-appreciation, & most of all I MUST remember that it will be ok. I have infinite strength & love inside.
P.S I realize some reading this will feel that I’m supposed be stronger than this & to others this will bring self-emotional awareness, inspiration, & insight.
To both I would love to hear your insights.
I appreciate the time you took to read my second blog & welcome discussion.
Please feel free to comment or reach out. I would love to hear from you!
One LOVE & Blessings
FatherlyLeader GN Miguel Portillo